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Alcohol gives you liquid courage they said. It allows you to be free and live your truth. Life is so much more fun when you are a lil tispy right.It blocks out the pain, but fuel the rage within. You can wake up the next morning and forget everything that happened last night, which make the hang over all worth it, because now you have an excuse for your behavior.

The average drinker doesn’t like to feel that loss of control; the feeling of oblivion. Alcoholics on the other hand, love it. When I was drinking, oblivion was the feeling I sought most. I continued to drink because it felt good to me. When I was hammered drunk, I felt normal.  Over time, I really began to have no other coping skills for life. There wasn’t any negative feeling that alcohol didn’t make better. On the flip side, when I was happy, alcohol increased my mood even more. Every Friday was a celebration.

Depression: It begins to hit hard, too. Alcohol acts like a depressant inside of our minds and bodies. Alcohol in chemical form begins to make us feel down and sometimes hopeless. As I noted above, when alcohol becomes our only way of coping with stress and unhappiness, drinking more of it our depression only deepens.

Alcoholics think, act, believe, and feel based on distorted perceptions or themselves and the world around them. They live at the extremes of all or nothing. There is no moderation, no middle ground, no compromise, and no gray area in their worldview. To varying degrees, alcoholics live in denial of their destructiveness (self and others) and this further distorts what they are able to make sense of.

Alcoholics are the very best liars because they are able to use rationalization and justification to convince themselves that a lie is truth. This happens subconsciously. They are not aware that they are, if you’ll pardon the term – mind screwing themselves. Alcoholics adopt a language that facilitates lying in a way that sounds very well intentioned. Their favorite word is, “probably.” This word implies intention where in fact none exists. An alcoholic who tells you they will probably do something is highly unlikely to do it. Using words like these provides them a loop hole – an escape hatch in which no absolutes are given and no promises made. The alcoholic relies on words and phrases like: possibly, maybe, would, could, should, I’d like to, I want to, I need to. These words mean nothing. They sound good but almost always lead to disappointment. Progressively, alcoholism blurs every line and impacts every interaction, every relationship, every part of the alcoholic’s world.

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A DAY AT THE CLINIC

Been at this routine for over 10 years, but I still look forward to it. Getting up at 4:00am 3 times a week to get ready to sit in that ‘chair’. Yeah you want to get enough sleep to get up early, but you like the 10pm news too. Anyway after cleaning up, you grab some snacks and your water bottle and you are out the door.

Yes, your transportation has blown his horn and is waiting (hopefully it wasn’t too long) to get you to your treatment on time! Arriving there I take off my jacket and shoes and get on the scale and lo and behold my tech Shawn is there to make sure about my weight. Starting out on Dialysis, It takes a minute to familiarize yourself with using kilograms, but you get used to it. After getting my weight I hustle back to my chair. On the way I say good morning at least 8 times, sometimes starting to chat but the tech Shawn says lets GO!. I setup my laptop and they get me ready to start dialysis. Most in-between days are uneventful. So this treatment is expected to be routine with the exception of the occasional alarms going off during the session.